JIB Hearts: HELP! I MARRIED MY PARENT!

How are you all doing?

How was your Valentine's day? 

Hope you had fun and enjoyed it as much as you wanted to?

Speaking of romance, I went to a hang out organized by the alumni association of my fellowship while I was in UNI and it was enlightening as I listened to people who have been married for not less than 7 years. As they shared the myths, realities, and beauty of marriage, there was a string that connected all the points that were listed. That underlying mindset is the reason behind this post.

I believe that most people go into marriage carrying baggage that has nothing to do with old relationships or exes but has everything to do with their parents. 

Yes! 

Most decisions that are made concerning what would or wouldn’t be done in marriage is usually reached by one party saying, ‘XYZ happened to my father because my mom was a full-time housewife; so, therefore, I won’t agree that my wife should be without a job’.  This doesn’t mean that one who is a full-time housewife is less than the one with a job, however, the time spent living with our parents has marked most of us both positively and negatively. 

While I listened to the married people share the joys of their marriages, it was glaring to me that until each of them decided to treat their relationship with his or her spouse as a unique entity, they continued to judge their partners based on the failings in their parents’ relationship. 

We pay so much attention to getting closure and healing from broken romantic relationships that we do not do enough soul searching to realize what our contribution to the unfortunate end was. More than healing from the heartbreak of past relationships, we also have to unlearn the expectation that the fact that our parents had a particular result directly impacts the result we would also have. If we intentionally confront those fears which are deeply rooted in our parents’ marital shortcomings, half of the issues in marriage would have been identified.

The more I considered the knowledge that was shared at the event, the more I realized that some of the values I have, were also borne from a place to be and do better than my parents. There is nothing wrong with learning from other people’s mistakes, however, an obsession with being the exact opposite of all we experienced may blindside us to the beauty that is present in our lives. 

A solution that was also raised at this event was to WRITE DOWN all we desired for a home, family, etc., and begin to work on becoming the partner we desire. That way, we retain our unique and commendable traits, some of which are hereditary, while working on character flaws. 

Another thing to consider is including this question in the series of “Getting to know each other” questions you would ask your partner. Get them to consider the ideals they possess about family life as a result of their childhood, watching their parents' marriage or the lack thereof. Having these conversations will help them consider things that they may have highly exaggerated or the ones that are not peculiar to a particular gender. It would help you understand them more and help you to be more reassuring in your responses to their fears about love and life. 

“We attract who we are, not who we want” is a statement that I have heard a lot in recent times and I find it applicable in this case. Building the life we want can not be achieved solely by avoiding what we do not want. When we write down goals, it paints a picture of what we desire in our minds and our minds begin to produce mental pathways that inform decision making which would ultimately transform our lives into our desired reality. 

Hope this post helps you to do some soul searching and inspires you to begin to take the steps to build healthy and more fulfilling relationships. 

Have a blessed week ahead!